


stained-glass moonlight

by withnorthernlights



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:21:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28212309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withnorthernlights/pseuds/withnorthernlights
Summary: Maybe they weren't meant to be after all.or: iwaoi trying to say what's best for one another (hint: neither of them get it right at first).
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25
Collections: Haikyuu Secret Santa 2020





	stained-glass moonlight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TaliaMamane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaliaMamane/gifts).



> yikes i really haven't been writing fanfic at all lately ahh i've been swamped with college applications and other schoolwork but i'm kinda proud of myself for finally getting this out :") hope you all are taking care <3
> 
> oh god and i'm so sorry about the number of times i said "oikawa" and "iwaizumi" but i hate ambiguous pronouns and i really didn't know what to do,, yeah,,,
> 
> iwaoi angst with a happy ending written originally for @/TaliaMamane on twitter for haikyuu secret santa 2020!!

Lazy stretches of waning sunlight filter in through the windows, and the sky outside slides from a crystal clear blue to the early blushing shades of the sunset. They're settled on the couch together, chest to chest and hip to hip. Oikawa, blissful with the easygoing lull of sunshine, stretches languidly, then settles his head back down against Iwaizumi's chest. A warm draft slips in through the opened window, tousling his hair. Iwaizumi's eyes are closed.

"Hey," Oikawa whispers suddenly, his fingers crawling up and down Iwaizumi's body, seeking contact wherever he can get it. “I love you,” he croons, stretching the word _love_ out just enough to send a shiver curling down Iwaizumi's spine. “So, so much,” murmured against his skin, lips pressed against his neck, trailing a tender line of kisses almost reverently. The skin turns a lovely shade of pink in its wake, and Oikawa can feel the slight stutter of the heartbeat underneath his own chest. He's filled to the brim with affection, so he lets it overflow and spill out of him, as he's wont to do. Iwaizumi inhales sharply, his composure breaking suddenly, and one of the muscles in his neck twitches under Oikawa's mouth. "Love you, Hajime––so much."

“Stop,” Iwaizumi mutters, but his hands are still sliding through Oikawa's hair and pulling at his scalp, and his body is still pressed flush against the other's. Oikawa ignores him, continuing the path up from his neck to his jawline, his own hair tickling the underside of Iwaizumi's chin. "Oikawa, I said to stop. _Stop._ "

Oikawa does stop, sitting up slightly so his knees are braced on either side of Iwaizumi's waist. A patch of persistent sunlight is shining directly into his eyes. His hands, however, are still fisted resolutely in the worn folds of Iwaizumi's t-shirt. Even when he's upset, having some part of them touching grounds him back to reality, keeps him from sinking into the depths of his own despair. “What’s wrong with me loving you?” he asks, sounding so hurt for a second that Iwaizumi stares in disbelief (he looks away soon enough, though, because if he allows himself to be swayed by those eyes and that voice, he'll never be able to leave). 

His own heart is slamming frantically against his ribcage, now, but he forces himself to keep going. "Oikawa–"

"Iwa-chan?" And _oh_ , it's been far too many years, but every _single_ time Oikawa says that damned nickname _so_ gently, stripped of all pretenses and façades, he falters. Every time. Oikawa likes to say his name a lot, which is both a blessing and a curse. "Do you not want this, Iwa-chan?" 

Those words tip the scale of his voice closer to what he normally sounds like, carefully petulant and weighed down by the sheer amount of implication it holds. Iwaizumi can't help but wonder yet again if it doesn't ever get exhausting, thinking about everything so much. He knows he could never do it. 

It's been a moment too long in the tense silence between them. It really hasn't been that long, in actuality––a few seconds, maximum––but he knows the subtle ways Oikawa pulls away from him, and they're being presented clearly in front of his face right now. Legs twitching until his knees aren't resting against Iwaizumi's hips; the clench of his long, slim fingers letting up just enough for the crinkles in his shirt to fade away; a barely-there tremble in the otherwise unmarred smile still playing on his lips. 

Iwaizumi doesn't even have to look, doesn't have to scroll his gaze up and down the scene before him to know. It hurts.

He still doesn't say anything, though.

_Do you not want this?_

Only five words. How can someone say so little and mean so much? ( _Well_ , Iwaizumi thinks, a bit bitterly, _it only means so much because I'm the one listening._ ) 

Oikawa means it as a tease because surely, Iwa-chan will always want him, _has always_ wanted him, but it only takes one thoughtless gesture, one turned cheek to avoid a kiss, and his mind begins to spiral. So, he has to check in now and again (read: all the time), just to make sure his Iwa-chan is still there. 

Iwaizumi is still not responding.

(Oikawa doesn't want to start thinking about what this means.)

It's okay, though, even if Iwa-chan needs a little bit of time. He's been there their whole lives, a constant and everlasting reminder that they'll never be swept apart, despite anything and everything the world throws at them. It'll always be okay because Iwaizumi has always been good at holding on. 

“We–I can’t do this anymore,” Iwaizumi says. He sits up as well, pushing Oikawa off him with a touch so gentle it makes him want to cry. He's persistently avoiding eye contact. His words are sharp enough to slice through stone but his fingertips brush feather-light against Oikawa's bare arms. Iwaizumi's voice is barely above a whisper but pounds insistently in Oikawa's head for the next few days––no, _weeks_. (Months? Time stills, from that moment on, anyway.) That voice that makes Oikawa want to tear his own heart out. "I'm sorry."

Oikawa doesn’t respond, and if Iwaizumi were thinking straight, he would be able to tell how upset that means the other really is. Anger isn’t a foreign emotion to him, and normally, if Oikawa were angry, would make it obviously clear, detaching himself from his normal composed self to hurl biting, scathing remarks right back. But this time, he curls in on himself, his words closing up along with his expression. 

So, Iwaizumi just stares with those brown eyes that he could lose himself in forever (but forever is over, he’s decided he needs to find his way again, and his path isn’t hidden in those spiraling irises).

Oikawa blinks rapidly.

(Are those tears?)

The look on his face slams into Iwaizumi with all the force of a comet, so raw and open it scrapes at his insides. "It's not that you're not important to me," he starts, frantically. "You are. But it's _because_ I care about you that I think we need to do this."

Oikawa's eyes close. Iwaizumi keeps going.

"You're going to be so far away next year, so it just seems really unreasonable to do this, right? I know you'd try to ask me to do long distance even if it killed you––and I know, Oikawa, I know it'd kill you––so I figured I'd just make things easier for us now."

Oikawa's whole body is trembling now with the effort of holding all his emotions in. He's fully let go of Iwaizumi's shirt now and has even shifted so he's sitting on the opposite side of the couch. They aren't touching.

For so long, Oikawa had always thought they could get through anything as long as they were together. After this many years, his Iwa-chan has become deeply ingrained into his life, his routines, the very fiber that makes up his being. From the awkward growing pains of puberty to the different classes and tenacious opponents of their final high school years, they've always been able to do it. Together. What is he supposed to do now that the obstacle in their path is Iwaizumi himself? 

They sit in silence, broken only by Oikawa's heaving, shaking breaths and the smooth _swish_ of the summer breeze against flowering treetops. (They'd never closed the window, huh?)

Oikawa's been too quiet. His elbows resting on his knees, he buries his face into his hands, and Iwaizumi knows just by looking that his teeth are clenched hard enough that his jaw will be aching later tonight. Normally (what's normally, anymore?), he'd cup Oikawa's quivering face in his palms, rubbing his thumb gently across the soft skin there until Oikawa just _gives_ , falling wholly, helplessly into his embrace. He can't do that anymore, though. If he doesn't stop this here and now, how will Oikawa survive once they've gone their separate ways in college? So, Iwaizumi just continues to sit and sit and sit, doing everything he can to restrain himself until he ends up doing nothing at all. 

Outside, the pinkish-orange sky wilts into indigo blooms, the faintest of twinkling stars beginning to glimmer. The inside of the room darkens along with it, casting long shadows across their faces. Iwaizumi is a bit grateful for the cover, so he can't see the way Oikawa's cheeks are pale and bloodless, or the myriad of tears gathering on his eyelashes.

It's stupid, he knows. This damned righteousness of his. He _does_ love Oikawa. There's never been a single doubt in his mind about it. And even though he knows Oikawa is hurting right now because of him––even though he _feels_ it down to the soles of his feet the pain that wraps around his best friend like an unforgiving vice––he's okay with it. Because it will save them so much more heartache in the future, when Oikawa finds a life for himself elsewhere and realizes that everything he left in Miyagi has no place in the blinding light of who he will become. So, he needs to do this.

Oikawa still doesn't speak.

“Hey,” Iwaizumi manages, one last ditch effort to heal the sting of silence, and he reaches a hand out. What does he intend to do? Comfort him? Hold him? He's not really sure, himself, but all he knows is that every bone in his body is aching, sighing, begging for him to pull Oikawa into his arms and stop whatever it is that's hurting him so they can go back to how they belong. For a moment, Oikawa doesn’t do anything, but then he snaps, as if out of a trance, and lurches back like Iwaizumi's palms are made of lightning (how ironic, considering before this day they always made him feel as if he were lit up in euphoric flames).

“Don’t touch me,” he hisses, and _hurt_ flickers across Iwaizumi's smooth face for a moment. This is the first time in _years_ he's said this, but they are breaking up right now; what did he expect to happen?

Oikawa wants to scream. Maybe throw something. Stab his fingers into this wound up ball of feelings inside of him until it explodes.

"Tooru," Iwaizumi says in that _stupid_ voice, the one with just the right amount of aloofness to tell Oikawa that he cares enough to let him go, but not enough to watch him as he walks away. Oikawa's head whips up, finally, his gaze venomous.

"Stop," he bites out, his upper lip curling to reveal stunningly white teeth, visible even in the shade of the waning sun. "That's not fair, _Iwaizumi_."

Ouch. That one hurt.

"You can't–can't pull this shit and then try to ' _Tooru'_ your way out of it. You can't do that." His voice is bordering on hysterical now, all the pent up frustration and anguish and bewildered sorrow surfacing. "I don't understand how you could be so–so _selfish_." 

"Selfish?" Iwaizumi asks, coughing out an acidic laugh. "Me, selfish? I'm doing this for you, Tooru––"

" _Stop_ calling me that," Oikawa half-shrieks, standing up. "How can you say you're doing this for me? This is the most self centered thing you've ever done, _Iwaizumi._ Was everything we've ever been not enough for you? Do you really think I'm going to leave the moment I step out of Seijoh? Don't you know what you meant to me?" His voice cracks painfully on that last sentence.

What about this doesn't Oikawa understand? Of course Iwaizumi knows how much Oikawa cares about him. Iwaizumi cares about him, too. But like he said––that's the exact reason why he has to do this right now. Oikawa is meant for so many things, meant to reach places so high up that Iwaizumi himself couldn't even see them from where he is down below. Everything in his body burns. "Tooru, please," he begs. Oikawa flinches away at the words, like they physically hurt, and it makes his own heart cramp painfully, but 'Oikawa' simply doesn't feel sufficient when the word 'Tooru' exists. "Please, okay? I'm sorry. But it'll be better for us if we don't keep this up. I don't want to stop you from being happy."

"What the fuck are you going on about?"

"I'm just saying that we're going off to university soon. We're growing up. You don't need a childhood friend to hold you back, not when you've got so many dreams ahead of you."

"Iwa-Iwaizumi, you've never held me back. You're what's helping me go forward. Are you trying to do this because you think it's what's best for me? Don't you think that _I_ know what's best for me?"

"No," he explodes. "That's the problem. You don't know what's best for you. All you ever push and push and _push_ , but you need to understand that in the real world you can't have everything that you want."

Oikawa's chest rises and falls in quivering sobs that take over his whole body. None of this makes sense to him. Why is Iwaizumi trying to make things so much harder than they need to be? If only he would just come back to Oikawa's side where he's always been, they could get through this––he knows they could. "All I want is you, Iwa-chan."

"That's not true, Tooru." His eyes are tinged with sadness now, and a resolutely accepted defeat. His lips are tilted in a forgiving smile when he says, "You're allowed to be happy with people and places who aren't me."

"You think I don't know that?"

"Yes, I–"

"No, stop it! Of course I know what makes me happy. And I'm trying to let you know that there's nothing about us I have to fight for. If you just–just stay with me, that's enough. Why isn't that enough?"

"Oikawa, I didn't say–"

"And stop pretending this is about what I want! Have you thought about what I want? What I think is good for me? I'm telling you right now because you obviously don't seem to get it, but I want to do long distance with you. I want to make it work. And it _will_ work. Stop staring at me with that stupid look on your face like you've already agreed to push me out. I know this is hurting you as much as it's hurting me, even if you're not crying like stupid Tooru."

"Hey, Tooru, you're not–"

"I'm not finished! I heard what you had to say, okay? And I think it's a load of bullshit. I know you think that breaking up and pushing me away is the best thing to do for us because you secretly don't think you're good enough, but I'm here to tell you that I can in fact have it all. I can have volleyball and you. And I'm telling you––I'm not going to suddenly give up on us because I joined a college-level team. I've been balancing Iwa-chan and volleyball my whole life, so what makes you think it'll be any different next year?"

Without him even realizing it, Iwaizumi's body has started to relax, the taut hunch of his shoulders slowly loosening, the wrinkle between his eyebrows smoothing out. Oikawa's had that unconscious effect on him as long as he can remember. "I–I guess you do have a point there."

"Just because I have you doesn't mean I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself anywhere else. I'm my own person, too. I can still go to school all day and practice all night _and_ videochat with Iwa-chan in between every day. I'd do it for _me_ , okay? Not for you. I'd do it for me because I'm a selfish, terrible person who wants to have it all. So stop trying to convince yourself that I'd only be with you for you because everything we've had so far is as much for me as it is for you. And if you _really_ think that we won't be able to be friends anymore once we have our own personal lives… Then fine, I'll go. But I know that you don't want that any more than I do. Right?" His eyes search Iwaizumi's own, looking for an answer. 

He finds one.

Iwaizumi exhales, long-suffering, allowing the burden of the last half hour to roll off of him. "Yeah."

"Good." Oikawa wipes furiously at the tears drying on his cheeks, breathing hard himself. 

"I was being pretty stupid, huh?"

"The stupidest I've ever seen anyone be in my entire life." 

Iwaizumi cracks a smile, offering the simplest branch of his own quiet apology in the only way he knows how to. He rocks back and forth steadily on his heels to the balls of his feet. "Even though you know Kageyama?"

When Oikawa smiles back, Iwaizumi thinks he sees the sun come out again. There's not much else he can think of that can top one of Oikawa's pure, genuine smiles. "I think you've surpassed even Tobio-chan today, Iwa-chan."

_Iwa-chan._

(It feels like home.)

"Promise me though, Oikawa. Promise me that if you ever feel like you could do more–"

"I won't."

"But if you do. Promise me you won't try to factor what I feel into your decisions?"

"Stupid Iwa-chan," he bemoans, a telltale pout back on his face that has Iwaizumi blushing even though Oikawa's eyes are still red. "I can't believe you haven't been listening to anything I've said so far. Like I'd ever bother with something silly like that."

"Oikawa, I'm being serious." He's still eyeing Oikawa's lips though, so the words are half directed at himself.

"I'm being serious, too, Iwa-chan. I don't need to think about how you feel to know that being with you is just _right._ You feel it too, don't you?"

Iwaizumi looks at the boy in front of him––his first love, his best friend, his one and only. Well, yeah, of course he feels it, too. He nods. Oikawa's stunning, blinding, earnest smile widens a fraction, and the whole room seems to glow. They're still standing awkwardly far from one another, Iwaizumi's socked feet scuffing the worn carpet next to the couch. Normally he'd just pull Oikawa against him and throw both their bodies back on the couch, muttering the most violent endearments so Oikawa knows he didn't real mean those dumb things he said.

He's not sure if he's allowed to do that anymore, though–

Oikawa huffs, wiping at his face one more time before all but launching himself into Iwaizumi's arms. "Stupid, so stupid," he murmurs, holding on so tight it almost hurts, pressing any part of himself against Iwaizumi that he can. "Dumb, stupid Iwa-chan." Iwaizumi sighs. Yeah, that pretty much describes him. He _was_ being a dumb, stupid Iwa-chan now, wasn't he? 

They lie back down together on the couch, letting the last bits of sunlight finally fade away as the moon peeks out behind wispy clouds. Oikawa's breathing evens out. "I'm really sorry," he hears from somewhere above him. "I don't ever want to hurt you like that again." And he means it. Those were some of the most painful moments of his life, watching Oikawa cry like he's never cried before. "But I–I'm proud of you for it, Tooru."

"Hm?"

Even in that small sound, his voice is getting lower, laced with exhaustion and tilted towards the easy pull of sleep. The moon seems to agree, sweeping over his eyelids briefly with silvery moonlight before brushing them with shadows again. "You… you knew what I meant. You didn't resent me. I know that couldn't have been easy for you." Oikawa laughs easily, the sound muffled by where his face is once again pressed into Iwaizumi's chest. His eyes are resolutely shut, breathing finally slowed down to normal. Ah, well, Iwaizumi knows Oikawa doesn't think that as much of an achievement, but he knows. He drops a reverent kiss against the top of Oikawa's head. 

"Love… you. Iwa-chan."

"Mm," Iwaizumi sighs, content. He stretches his arms above his head, then settles them around Oikawa's body. He's so warm.

"Hajime?"

"Love you, too. I love you so much, Tooru."

When Iwaizumi closes his eyes, the landscape outside of the window has turned to pitch black. Despite Oikawa's bold assurances, it'll still be hard. _Of course it will be,_ he thinks. _But, well, we'll get through it. It'll be worth it._

_It always has been so far._

**Author's Note:**

> hello talia!! i'm soo sorry this is so late ahh it's 11pm dec20 for me so i'm cutting it so close BSDLKJ,,, thank you for your patience and i hope you enjoyed this aaaa :") i love iwaoi SO so much and it's kinda weird that i haven't written them before yet, but this gave me the perfect opportunity to. happy holidays to you!!


End file.
